You know how I mentioned...

...briefly in a previous post that I had been raped in high school? 

Well, I feel like I should post a tad diddly bit about that.  Mostly because a lot of my readers are friends who know about it and they genuinely care about me and are likely rather weirded out/scared for me/not sure what to say or do.

Here’s the deal.  That’s the first time that I have ever publicly announced that.  A handful (or two) of people know about that.  Fewer than that know exactly how it happened.  And it’s a fairly gross, scary, sad story.

I have a piece that I’ve written that goes in all-too-great-of-detail about the event which I’m hoping to get published at some point.  It’s fairly intense.  I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone.

However, because of a couple private responses I received, I figured I should just let everyone out there who reads this know, that everything’s cool.  :)  There’s nothing to worry about.  I’m not some sort of crazy person ‘cause I was able to forgive or whatever.  It all happened a long time ago and a lot has happened since then.  So there ain’t nothin’ to worry ‘bout.

Also... had it not happened, I wouldn’t be who I am today.  So, in a way, it’s even a good thing.  But that’s really all I wanted to say about all that...

Forgiving and Forgetting

for-give-ness, n: the act of forgiving

for-giv-ing, adv: allowing room for error or weakness

Therefore:

for-give, v: the act of allowing room for error or weakness

*~*~*~*~*~*

Is it possible to forgive and forget?  It is wise to forgive and forget? 

If someone has slighted you or offended you, what wisdom is there in jumping with both feet into a situation that could lead you right back to where you were when you had to forgive them in the first place?

Why would it be smart to forgive someone – with the promise to forget – if you know that you are truly only allowing them room for error?

Admittedly, I have had to ask forgiveness of the same person more than once for the same (or similar) offense.  Everyone has had to ask their parents or their significant other for this. 

Why would I expect someone who I have apologized to for the same thing more than once to “forget” I ever did it?  No, I definitely do not want it held against me, but it is hard enough for a person to give me the benefit of the doubt.  Harder yet to allow it to be chocked up as an error.

Forgetting the error was made is just unwise.  Why would you want to go on knowing that same offense could be made again – especially if you have already chocked it up as an error more than once?

My parents always used to say that a real apology came with a real change.  A real apology is not required (as an essay in school) as a way to get out of something or to just make something go away and get smoothed over.  I cannot remember ever actually being told I had to apologize to someone as a kid.  I remember being told that I should apologize, it was the right thing to do and I should ask for forgiveness.  But it would not be heart felt if the apology was made so I could get in less trouble. 

That said, I was also “trained” to truly forgive.  Not hold it over my siblings’ or friends’ heads once I had forgiven them.  If I did not feel forgiveness towards someone, I was allowed to mull it over.  It instilled a sense of true apology and forgiveness in me (that has actually gotten me in trouble).

To forgive and forget was something that was touched on in its own way.  Differently than just saying, “Forgive and forget.”  It was more of a, “truly forgive, look for change, hope for the best.”  My parents always told us that if we did the same thing over and over, we were not striving for change.  At that point, we would have to regain their trust.  This seems wise to me.

Let’s take this to a really big scale.  I was raped in high school.  I have forgiven the dude who raped me.  No, I have not forgotten.  For weeks and weeks after it happened, he made it clear he did not want me to forget.  I still see him every so often and he still looks at me with a rather evil look in his eyes.  When I say I have not forgotten, I do not just mean because that is a traumatic experience.  I mean that I would never even think to attempt having a friendship with him even though he has truly been forgiven.  I do not hold his actions against him, I hope he has changed and has not done it again, but jumping back into a friendship with him (yes, we were friends) would be unwise.

I told you that was a really big scale.

Forgiving someone (allowing room for error when they have committed a grievance) is one thing.  Forgetting it happened and throwing caution to the wind is another. 

Once you have harmed someone (stated more dramatically and emphatically than always necessary), expect to have to prove that you are truly sorry.  Do this for the offended.  Forgiving is hard enough without the fear that it could happen again.

David and I, overall, have a fantastic relationship that is quite healthy.  We both do a few things that we have to apologize for over and over.  They tend to be small things – sometimes ridiculously petty things.  We do not forget the other has done it, but we do forgive each other, move on, and hope for the best.  He and I both work to not do these things and can see “growth” in each other. 

The phrase “forgive and forget” should be put to rest.  In some cases, it is impossible to do anyhow and in many cases, it would be unwise to forgive and forget.