Book

Some of you may remember a book title and idea that I mention YEARS ago.  "Family... Or something like it."  There are two things you should know about it.  One, I'm lazy, so I never started.  Two, since the idea came to me my entire idea of family has shifted.

My Uncle Jim said something along the lines of, "family is what you make it".  His point was that it's not something I'm born into, it's not something that chooses me, it's what I choose to make my family.

I'm lucky.  I have an awesome family (according to Uncle Jim's definition).  It includes those who chose me and those I chose.  Which is ultra fortunate because I'm adopted and there's no "born into" family.  I have people I've met thru my boyfriend who I'd sooner go thru hardship with than anyone else.  They're the ones who showed up at my house mostly naked for my 25th birthday without my knowledge (seriously... I should make a whole post JUST about that).  They are the ones I spend "Christmas" with... except for the actual day.  They are the first to know big news, to celebrate big news, to cry with me, to watch stupid TV with me, to know I'm just having a crappy day, to spend pointless time with me, run errands, get pierced, get tattooed, go camping.... The list goes on.

There's the family I was adopted into.  Who are the second to know anything, never get tattooed with me (largely because those who would live tons of miles away), hardly know if I'm having a bad day, don't typically come be dumb with me, etc.  I love them just as much as those who are my firsts and are my solid ground, but it's not the same.  Again, a lot of this has to do with mileage, but a lot also has to do with ... So many factors.  Those that are in NM have completely different life paths then I do.  They're all gonna teach something or have kids or have too many "real" things to do.  Those that live far away... Live far away.

Then there's the family I inherited from a now ex-friend.  They are the ones who are as close the first definition of family, but also live far away but typically remain(ed) more involved in whatever I am.  But now it's weird.  Because of the "ex" part.  It's all very petty.  It's all very lame.  But I was there first and someone else got jealous and it all went to hell.  I miss this family the most because so much of the first "family" is still there, but they're slowly slipping into the second "family" and .... I just fucking don't know.

That's it.  I don't fuccccckkkking know.  I probably never will.  

I'm lost.

Grampa would know what to do.  Even gave advice as they started slipping.  But then he ... couldn't.  And "ex" was like, "Oh, who the fuck cares.  Your grampa's gone.  He was basically mine, too.  But I was told to go lick this frozen pole, so I'm gonna."

I'm lost.  I probably always will be.  I have no established "family" as defined by Uncle Jim and probably never will.  I'll have classes of family.  My life will be like.... I dunno.  Some class-systemed, outdated country that the internet talks shit about and I'll always be lost, confused and wishing it was years ago and hoping I can meld everyone together even though I have about 10 people in my "family."  So fuck it.  I give up.  I have three dogs, two cats, a boyfriend and some people I'm closer to than the others.  I'll deal with it.  I'll find a way to be ok with the fact that I feel like an orphan who was never adopted.

No offense.