Writing Problem

It feels like I far too often have a "problem" when it comes to writing.  But this one is so totally legit!  (And, yes, I did just say that)  I have a tendency to "write" stories or posts or parts of my book(s) in my head.  Normally in the shower.  But the sucky part is, I remember the first sentence.  It's typically a fairly fantastic sentence, but I can't remember the basic premise of what was to follow.  Currently, I have a sentence in my head - that would be a great start to something - and I DID know where it was going while I was in the shower.  Even had the whole first paragraph written.  But now, I have no earthly clue what was going to follow the first sentence.  


And to be quite frank, I think it's a real problem.  Because right now, I have that for a post, part of my book, and a letter I want/need to write to a friend....

Death and Stress

Some stuff is going on that is making me emotional and stressing me out. I can't get real rest, I'm crying (which is just weird and I sort of blame birth control). When I'm angry, my only release is crying because I have too much self control (for who knows what reason) to walk around breaking things. I threw a fucking plastic bag to release emotion today.

All I can think about is how my stress and anger and sadness is only annoying some of the people I care about the most. It's almost like I'm a burden. And maybe it's not actually true. But when I'm a wreck, people around me don't know how to deal with it because my wreckage is so abnormal. It's rare. I can handle anything. So when suddenly I can't handle it, it's like .... I dunno. Shit. I really don't know. I don't have the audacity to say people's rock is shaken or a constant "happy person" is broken, but it's like when I'm upset to this extent it seems like twice as crazy as when other people flip their lid. I think it's cuz I don't. I'm fairly level-headed. I get angry, but it's normally work-related and typically gets resolved with some minor bitching. When I break down sobbing at work or can't focus at all at work because of my personal life, it's pretty clear something fairly major is going on. My best friend just kinda sits there when I talk and might interject with a "Yeah." My boyfriend doesn't say anything and seems numb to it. I don't blame them and don't know that I would really want anything else. I hate sympathy, I hate being shown too much love when I'm upset (cuz then I cry more), and I hate drawing so much negative attention to myself and putting so much negativity into my sphere. But I can't manage to do anything else. I can't manage to control my anger in any other way.

You know (if you've read much of my blog or know me very well) that I don't do well with emotion. I'd rather SAY "I love you" than hear it. Wigs me out to hear it. So when I get to a point of rage and sadness all mixed together in some ridiculously confusing way, I have no clue what to do and don't WANT to talk or cry/talk to ANYONE but have no idea what else to do.

To make it fucking WORSE - almost every time life makes me need to be like this, it's when I'm close to burn-out on normal things and daily life/stress. So who the fuck knows what I'm supposed to do. I'm not one of those people who even tolerates the idea of suicide, but sometimes I can at least understand WHY people go there. Not being HERE would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier.

I don't like being an emotional basket case and I don't like being a burden. And I'm both right now.

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Crap I Hate

If you know me at all, you know I hate LOTS of things. Seldom do I hate people, but far too often do I hate things that people do.

One of the things I've done FAR too much lately is watch shitty relationships happen. I bend an ear when necessary. I offer advice when completely needed or I actually feel like I've been thru something similar. But I do hesitate to advise until shit's whack.

A couple should date each other. No one else. Far too often, I find that people are dating entire groups of advisors. And often I find those people decide to knock the advisors out - by advice of an advisor. An never have I seen those relationships work. I HATE when people are in catastrophically horrible relationships and decide to blame it on the fact that they get to much advice - but they decide they're getting too much advice because one of their advisors told them so.

I'm so beyond glad that I am in a stable relationship in which I don't get advice from anyone. And when I do, he's with me and we're asking the same person the same fucking question cuz we're actually in an adult relationship, use our heads and are not dumb shits.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Existence of Me

All the time - I find myself realizing how insanely pathetic my existence is. I don't do anything with my life. I go to work. Go home. Maybe clean some. Make the dude some cookies or make him eat some less-pleasing sweet treat.

That's it.

My job is great and it has impact, but I couldn't do that myself.

Sure I have some minor level of impact on a few people in my rather small sphere. But some of the people I treasure the most don't need me - at all. And some of the people I treasure the most have done SOOOO much for me and helped shape me into what/who I am while I've made barely a thumb print in their life.

Taxes made it evident that I'm a "valuable member of society" - but ONLY in a financial way. I'm quantifiable. No quality. So who gives a flying fuck? I'm a tiny speck in the grand scheme of things and get bummed. Do nothing about it and go about my meaningless life. So grand. I'm pissed, discouraged, annoyed, and about ready to curl up under a rock since what I'm doing is barely any better anyhow.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone