Death and Stress

Some stuff is going on that is making me emotional and stressing me out. I can't get real rest, I'm crying (which is just weird and I sort of blame birth control). When I'm angry, my only release is crying because I have too much self control (for who knows what reason) to walk around breaking things. I threw a fucking plastic bag to release emotion today.

All I can think about is how my stress and anger and sadness is only annoying some of the people I care about the most. It's almost like I'm a burden. And maybe it's not actually true. But when I'm a wreck, people around me don't know how to deal with it because my wreckage is so abnormal. It's rare. I can handle anything. So when suddenly I can't handle it, it's like .... I dunno. Shit. I really don't know. I don't have the audacity to say people's rock is shaken or a constant "happy person" is broken, but it's like when I'm upset to this extent it seems like twice as crazy as when other people flip their lid. I think it's cuz I don't. I'm fairly level-headed. I get angry, but it's normally work-related and typically gets resolved with some minor bitching. When I break down sobbing at work or can't focus at all at work because of my personal life, it's pretty clear something fairly major is going on. My best friend just kinda sits there when I talk and might interject with a "Yeah." My boyfriend doesn't say anything and seems numb to it. I don't blame them and don't know that I would really want anything else. I hate sympathy, I hate being shown too much love when I'm upset (cuz then I cry more), and I hate drawing so much negative attention to myself and putting so much negativity into my sphere. But I can't manage to do anything else. I can't manage to control my anger in any other way.

You know (if you've read much of my blog or know me very well) that I don't do well with emotion. I'd rather SAY "I love you" than hear it. Wigs me out to hear it. So when I get to a point of rage and sadness all mixed together in some ridiculously confusing way, I have no clue what to do and don't WANT to talk or cry/talk to ANYONE but have no idea what else to do.

To make it fucking WORSE - almost every time life makes me need to be like this, it's when I'm close to burn-out on normal things and daily life/stress. So who the fuck knows what I'm supposed to do. I'm not one of those people who even tolerates the idea of suicide, but sometimes I can at least understand WHY people go there. Not being HERE would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier.

I don't like being an emotional basket case and I don't like being a burden. And I'm both right now.

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