That gold tastes like shit.

Remember how I told you in my last post that I was handed a lemon once and I painted that shit gold? Well, when you paint that shit gold, eventually you accept a similar lemon for whatever reason. Let me explain this in a better way.

Freshman year of college. Fell for a dude – basically an albino. At the time, someone I thought was a good guy even though several (dozens) of people told me I could do better and he would hold me back and I shouldn’t date him. Because I’m stubborn, independent and a bit of a bitch, I didn’t listen to these people, even though they truly cared about me, knew me well, and knew him well. We dated for three years. He was mean almost the entire time, I basically supported him (so he could “save money” for when we got “married”), he didn’t show he cared, and I’m pretty sure he never really did care about me. He cared about what we looked like to others and he would pretend in public that he cared about me, but when people weren’t around, he “fucking hated” me and wanted me to “go fuck” myself. I later found out that he was allowed to talk to his mom this way because she would just fall to pieces and not reprimand him. He actually told me he thought this behavior was ok. It’s actually worse than all that, but certainly not something I’m going to post on the internet.

Then, suddenly, he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He didn’t want to be around me. He accused me of cheating on him (in public with a mutual friend of ours). Then we were finally completely over. All the sudden, he really cared about me and was even in denial about us not being together anymore. He even told his parents that we were “on a break” (very Ross and Rachel of him). I got reprimanded by another mutual friend of ours in class for cheating on him – so untactfully that several people who didn’t even really know me stood up for me and told her to back down. The teacher even threatened her “participation” grade.

After that dude was out of my life, I was pretty sure I didn’t want to have anything to do with dudes on a romantic level. Which, you know, seems like a kneejerk reaction. However, I had never really been excited about marriage or babies, any of that marital “bliss” that I hear about. I didn’t really see it as something that could be bliss. For about a year and a half, I was fairly successful at not having any type of relationship besides friendship. Then I had a crush on a guy who is now a good friend of mine and we sorta dated (but not really). And then on an air force pilot that was mostly just attractive. Sweet, but hard to listen to ‘cause he was so hot. This was me attempting to paint that shit gold.

This year, around April sometime, I met a dude through a friend’s facebook wall. He wasn’t that cute in his profile picture. He said I was cute, though (but, duh…). Eventually, we started dating. Somehow, he broke through my steely exterior, thrashed through some thorns, and found my freaking chocolate pudding heart that I had even hidden from myself. Not to say that he “has my heart” or that I’m in love with him. But he did definitely shoot down anything that made me think that romantic or “lovey” feelings for someone was completely impossible. He changed me from a cold, heartless bitch into someone who was able to feel an emotion I have avoided for my whole life and have only felt in a forced way. He made me very vulnerable in way that was good for me to experience. Til now.

I can’t believe I’m typing things that are this cheesy.

So, that was the similar lemon the world handed me. I had painted the first one gold in order to eventually handle a new “relationship.” But it really was a lemon. I got dumped (for reasons I’m not going to share on here). The reasons were acceptable to me (not to some of my friends). And I’m ok with them. I really am. But it’s one of those weird places to be. I’m left feeling helpless, not hopeless (not sure if I should be hopeful either, though) and wondering what’s going to happen next. Wondering if this lemon is really only a lemon. Kind of hoping that it’s a lemonhead and the sour will go away and flood me with sweetness.

Gotta say, though, right now, still just tastes like shit. It’s not a happy place to be. I’m sort of afraid I’m going to have to pull out my gold paint again and find a damn paint brush to get this lemon coated in gold. But, if I had to guess, I’m never gonna paint it gold, and I’m not going to make lemonade. Unless this is really a lemonhead, I’m pretty sure that I’ll probably add a layer of steel, maybe some poisonous thorns, and just chill on my own. I have a damn awesome life without a dude. Just… I don’t know. Felt good to be wanted like that and felt good to know that I was safe. Though, I guess safety is fleeting.

I guess I gotta decide what to do with this fucking lemon.