All the time - I find myself realizing how insanely pathetic my existence is. I don't do anything with my life. I go to work. Go home. Maybe clean some. Make the dude some cookies or make him eat some less-pleasing sweet treat.
That's it.
My job is great and it has impact, but I couldn't do that myself.
Sure I have some minor level of impact on a few people in my rather small sphere. But some of the people I treasure the most don't need me - at all. And some of the people I treasure the most have done SOOOO much for me and helped shape me into what/who I am while I've made barely a thumb print in their life.
Taxes made it evident that I'm a "valuable member of society" - but ONLY in a financial way. I'm quantifiable. No quality. So who gives a flying fuck? I'm a tiny speck in the grand scheme of things and get bummed. Do nothing about it and go about my meaningless life. So grand. I'm pissed, discouraged, annoyed, and about ready to curl up under a rock since what I'm doing is barely any better anyhow.
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Sheeeeeeat. Everyone's a number to the IRS. Just like you'll probably always be a number to The Man, the restaurant you frequent, and, dare I say it, your piercer.
ReplyDelete:-p
Trust me. If you always put your self worth in the hands of others, you will usually end up sorely disappointed. Mostly because others are too busy trying to do the exact same thing. For the most part, people are selfish and greedy. Oh and really stupid anyway. It's best to not give a crap about em anyway. It sounds as if you should invest your efforts in making happy the ones who make you happy. Will the IRS or The Man even twitch an eyelid when you make someone laugh? I doubt it. Will your friends' hearts be imprinted with eternally fond memories? Give me an orange leather 8-ball jacket because All signs point to YES!
Which is not to say you shouldn't try to better yourself and your environment....if you want to. But find a true inspiration to. For me, it is seeing the scant amounts of remaining goodness in some people. I want to be like the people who are making my life wonderful. Like you.
To the world, I may be a waitress. I am reminded of one of my doofus regulars who treats all the other servers like queens and won't even give me the time of day. Maybe cause my ass is fat? I don't know. But then I look what a, well, doofus he is. To him, fast cars and pretty ladies are what makes the world go round. Ergo, should I give a shit if he doesn't like me cause I don't fit into this mold? Hell no. I'm too busy thinking about the good times I'm gonna have with my family and friends after my shift anyway.
To UNM, I may be applicant #82095-D. To Evolution, Dos Hermanos, or Target, I may be customer #2594. To my dad, I may just be an awkward phase of his life he wishes he could correct.
But to my mother, my sister, Spencer, and my friends, I am someone. And that is what makes me wake up with a huge smile on my face every day.
When I got rejected from applying to grad school the first time around, I was sitting there bawling and my mom blatantly and almost fiercely wanted to know why. I told her because I was embarrassed. And that I was afraid I had disappointed her.
She told me she never went to college and then was slightly offended at the possibility of that meaning that my image of her self-worth was somehow diminished.
Needless, I inserted my foot in my mouth.
I guess what I am trying to say is....your friends and family are happy. And that has to count for something.
If not everything
:-p
Awww... Anonymous... ;) You make my heart happier. :) The problem is, though my friends/family are cool with me and I've impacted them some (I hope), I feel like it's not enough because if I die, some people will throw a party, drink, and just talk about me for like a day. And then my minuscule footprint will fade away. Plus, life just isn't what it could be when you aren't doing much.
ReplyDeleteNot to say that I don't really appreciate your encouragement. Because I do. I guess I need to change my attitude. I guess that's the REAL issue here.
<3
Footprints are overrated. Not everyone likes Dr. Martin Luther King. No one really lives by him minus a day. And even then people are just more ecstatic to have a day off.
ReplyDeleteLord knows I want to be a professor. Change someone's mind. Inspire someone. But for every one of them, there will be 200 apathetic hungover people thinking about burritos as I ramble about my passion.
Besides, it's not like you're 80
;-)
Go getcho dream.