The Lone Kid

So, after writing that post while I couldn't sleep early this morning, I decided I should elaborate some - mostly because the spiraling thoughts and insanity in my brain finally caught up with me and I think I have a tad more to say - with a little bit more clarity.

I'm the only "Kinzer Kid" still in Albuquerque.  I'm in Albuquerque, live alone.  My grandparents and parents live within twenty minutes of me.  But I'm that one kid.  I'm the one who you could look at, and if you don't compare to her siblings, is successful. 

Here's the deal.

I have a college degree, a good job, can afford rent on my own, seldom need help from my parents, help my grandparents on a daily basis, and am a generally good person.  BUT, I was raised to graduate high school, go to college, graduate college, meet man, marry man, have babies, homeschool babies, die.  The big issues that really stand out to my family are meet man, marry man, have babies.  The weird thing is, from my familial standpoint and how I was raised, I'm not successful.

The only reason "graduate college" isn't as huge an importance to the Kinzer Kult is that my brother didn't do it and he's older than me and they can't be too disappointed in him for that because he plans to go back once his wife finishes school.  BUT, he also has an upperhand because he's not only married, but has two babies.  That's Caleb, just skipped steps two and three.  Only thing left is die.  And he's gonna finish steps two and three anyhow.


Then my little brother has done graduate high school, go to college, meet woman and marry woman.  He's going to graduate college and has also joined the military.  He's "successful" even though he went out of order.  He's successful though because he's still working on a goal.  


My little sister is a baby.  She's at step two.  But she's also successful because she's working on a goal.  


Little brother and little sister are going to a "good" school out of state that is costing Mom and Dad an arm and a leg.  


I went to a crappy college, got barely any education, was offered less choices, and now have no goals as I have no intention of being sure I'm married ASAP so I can get down and dirty, throw my legs in the air in hopes of a boy and start planning my homeschool lesson plans.  


So, sure, there's no way my little brother or my parents would admit to that being true - that being me being "less successful" than my siblings.  But my little sister and my older brother would both tell you that it's definite that my parents don't view me the same way as they do my other siblings and that they "worry" about where I'm going, how I'm "really" doing, where I stand religiously and blah, blah, blah.  


Realistically,  I'm so well covered, I'm probably the one they should worry about the least.  And in the eyes of anyone else, I'm pretty damn successful for 23 years old.  Have my own car, my own two bed, two bath apartment, pay my own bills, feed myself, and rely on not much more than a paycheck (and some help from people who know how to force it on me).  That said, I have some sort of failure complex that's driven by how I was raised... Not by what I actually am.  My insecurity is all based on brainwashing I need to get rid of.  


How LAME is that?  It's freaking lame.