A Spiral of Confusion.

Have you ever just sat down and been unsure of why you were put on this planet in the first place?  Kind of like life is futile 'cause you fight stuff off, love people, lose people, hate things, care about things you apparently don't need to, pay unending amounts of money just to survive and it's all for naught because the whole time you're attempting to pay for all this stuff and care about things you still have to go to work and do things to make it all happen and then eventually you're just going to die? 

Yeah, that's how life has been for me lately. 

Sure, there have been glimpses of hope for why it all happens.  But, really, this thought occurred to me while I was brushing my teeth with a new tube of paste which cost about $3.00.  I realized that I was going to have to buy another new tube within a few months and I'd have to work for those $3.00... And with this economy, it'll probably cost more than that by the time I need it.  Then I realized that I do the same with deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, and every other darn piece of daily routine to attempt to smell good and maintain good hygiene.  But this same annoyance can flow into the fact that I have to buy food and have to buy laundry detergent and dish soap.  It's not a huge deal, it's just that the only way to do any of that is to work 40 hours a week. 

I love my job.  Love it so much.  I'll probably work here my entire life.  Or until my boss retires.  Well, yeah, my whole life, because he'll probably still be working after I die.  My point is, I'm not complaining about my job. 

So as I was brushing my teeth (and attempting to avoid having the saliva and paste roll down my chin - I'm a messy tooth brusher), I was thinking of how much more effective my life could be if I were either independently wealthy (or married well) or could live off the land completely while still meeting typical hygiene standards and living in a city.  Obviously, independent wealth/rich husband is the easier option.

All this came up because I've officially realized how I'm wasting my life and am an ineffective person no matter how hard I attempt to live each day (each moment) with some level of intention.  I really think I should live intentionally, I'm just not sure how to do it without feeling like I'm wasting time and energy as I could just lose all my friends, lose my job (if something drastic happened), lose my mind... It's all potentially a waste and yet I still do it and still feel like I'm not living to my fullest ability.  

I think I feel that way because I'm not doing everything I'm doing and going to school like I used to.  I used to handle that.  My job was more demanding at the time, too.  I'm not sure why I feel like I can handle less and less as I get older.  I'm just... I dunno.  It's all a spiral of confusion because I really probably couldn't do much more and being in school right now would probably be the end of me, but I feel like life is a ticking clock and it tick-tocks all day until I die and have nothing to show for it except a messy apartment full of crap no one will want to deal with.