Finally, I heard my little brother walk into the front door. I screamed for him, “Nathan, get Sean off of me!” Sean moved his hand out of my pants before Nathan came in, but kept holding me down.
Nathan walked up to him in full force. He was much smaller and lacking the physical strength it would take to really hurt Sean, but he attacked anyhow. He started hitting and kicking Sean and yelling at him to get off.
“NATHAN, JUST CALL THE COPS,” I yelled.
He left the room quickly and said, “Ok, good idea.” Immediately, Sean stepped off the couch.
“What do you think I was gonna do to her, Nathan? She’s fine. I was just joking around with her,” he said. “I’ll just go home since she’s apparently dramatic.” Nathan came over and sat down on the couch with me.
He patted me on the shoulder, “You ok?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said and headed down the hall, adjusting my disheveled jeans. I needed to change. I didn’t want to wear that shirt or those jeans ever again. I wanted to shower, but didn’t have time before my student got there.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I had been sitting on my bed just a few days after David and I broken up, carrying on a very lame texting conversation. It was then that I realized that his dating me and making me feel wanted – even if only for a few months – changed my outlook on life and love. It made me realize that there is more than the love of friends and family in the world and that my heart is actually capable of it. I thought about Sean and what his violating of my body and soul did to me and how it made me kind of callous and left me with a sense of worthlessness that allowed me to be swallowed into a harmful relationship with Chris. Those feelings have never fully left me. Before David and I even “technically” started dating, he was able to hack through the layers and layers of thorns and vines that encapsulated my iron-clad heart. When we started dating, he found the key to the iron and chains and let the chocolate pudding gush out of the cold, hard dungeon.
The pudding flooded everywhere and changed my whole outlook on life. I was a different person according to almost everyone who knew me. Not that he changed me or the fiber of who I am, but he made me capable of feeling emotions I had strictly avoided since early high school. After mulling over our relationship, having rehashed my past with him, and allowing for him to know who I am at the innermost depths of my heart and soul, I realized that everyone who says he made me a different person was right. His fight to my heart actually made me a truly happy person with the capacity to love and care about someone as much as myself. I hated to admit it to myself, but I did – with much emotional writhing and gnashing of my teeth.
As a cold-hearted bitch, I had always said that there was no way I would ever get married or feel a love that was appropriate for a long-term, committed relationship. I never wanted to feel that. I had no intention of ever falling for a man on a deep level or wanting to spend time with them. I never wanted to find completion or happiness from them. Independence on full-scale had always been my plan.
All these thoughts made my head spin. My journey from virginal to attacked caused me to live my life in a way that I found was not complete. But I wouldn’t have discovered its lack of completion without the help of David and it gave me a new outlook.
Now, tonight, sitting here on my balcony with a beer and listening to a sad song, I’m elated. I’m still changed. David as my boyfriend or not, I’m changed. The light flooding over me from my bedroom reminds me that I don’t need anyone. Affordably and comfortably living alone in a 1200 square foot apartment proves that. It is satisfying, but one day having a man sitting in one of the other chairs on my balcony may not be so bad. Or he could be sleeping in the bedroom and I could finish typing and walk in and lay next to him. Right now, I wish that were him. In a month, who knows, it could be him. In a month, I could still be alone. All I know is that being comfortable with my man being with me is not something I would have even tolerated hearing about just a few short months ago. I credit him with that.
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